In order to manage self-talk, we need to understand where it comes from. It’s that little voice inside our heads that can be helpful in propelling us forward with determination and courage, or it can hinder us with self-doubt, unworthiness, and fear.
What is self talk?
Our ego is constantly looking for ways to reinforce its existence. This contributes to our belief that we are a fixed, permanent identity apart from others. Self-talk is rooted in the deep beliefs we hold about ourselves, and we subconsciously look for ways to affirm these beliefs in an attempt to solidify our existence as individuals.
Personality also plays a big role. Through the Enneagram personality assessment, we can see that some people are more aware of “what could go wrong” (the 6, or Loyalist), while others seek public attention (the 3, or Achiever).
Whatever its origin, negative self-talk is a real downer. Fortunately, we can learn to control and influence our inner dialogue- even rewrite it.
How to Manage Self Talk through Awareness
Before we can begin to explore changing self-talk, we have to be aware of it. Mindfulness practice is the best way to notice and work with it. A basic breath-awareness practice is perfect. 15 minutes a day is all it takes. Within a couple of weeks you’ll notice the self-talk, and possibly be able to simply let it go. If not, don’t worry, just keep practicing.
Another way to recognize it is through the body. The next time you find yourself mired in negative self-talk, see if you notice a change in your body. It could show up as tension in the shoulders, or a tight stomach. Practice noticing these somatic signs. Often it’s easier for us to notice that our shoulders are tense than to notice the thoughts in our head. These signs can be a signal to check in with your thoughts and see what’s going on.
Letting Go of Self Talk
We may be able to simply let the self-talk go, like a cloud on a windy day. Mindfulness practice will enable this, but it takes practice. Once we know what somatic signals the body shows when the negative self-talk is going on, we can change our physical being. For example, if you feel tension in your shoulders, practice tightening them as hard as you can on an in-breath, then relaxing deeply on an out-breath. Repeat several times and check-in mentally, the self-talk has probably diminished.
Deconstructing Self Talk
It can be helpful to logically dismantle our negative self-talk. The next time you’re wrapped up in it, write down what those thoughts are. “I’ll never make enough money, I’m not good enough, everyone will know I’m an imposter…” However the thought comes up, write it down.
Now, look at it objectively. “I’ll never make enough money” has two massive conditions. “Never” is a very long time. How do you know you’ll “never” make it? And what is “enough?” These black-and-white, all-or-nothing statements are cognitive distortions that we repeat in our heads often enough that they become beliefs.
We need to bring these assessments out in the open and poke through them, looking for these massive leaps. Once we look closely, they start to unravel.
Putting it Together
Once you’re recognizing the self-talk through mindfulness practice or somatic awareness, you can question it. Look for assumptions and black and white thinking. In Learned Optimism Martin Seligman defines the three Ps of optimism as personal, pervasive and permanent. Look into your self-talk and ask:
- Am I making this personal? Maybe you got laid off. The story you have now is “See? I don’t have what it takes to succeed.” The reality is that the company needed to reduce headcount, and you were just a number. Look at your self-talk and see if you’re making this leap.
- Do I think this is pervasive? “No employer will want to hire me” assumes that none of the 40 million businesses in the United States alone will find your skills valuable. You won’t know this until you’ve applied to all of them.
- Is this permanent? “I’ll never find another job” is a very long time.
So we can start to rewrite the self-talk with more accurate statements. “I don’t have what it takes to succeed” becomes “My last company needed to reduce expenses, and I was part of that.” “No employer will hire me” becomes “I need to find a good match.” “I’ll never find another job” becomes “I need to be patient, this might take a while.”
When you notice the tense shoulders or tight stomach, use mindfulness to explore what’s going on in your head. Find those judgemental leaps, deconstruct them and let them go. It takes practice, but eventually, you can rewire your brain to recite positive statements that bring you greater creativity, more love, and success.
Matt McLaughlin helps conscious companies build transformational leaders and teams. He has over 20 years of experience building high-performance teams and has practiced and taught meditation for 30 years. He brings a deep passion for companies that foster social and environmental sustainability and views business as a crucial component of societal change.
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